Where is the line with you?
by Lazarus76
Summary: Guilt is the hardest thing Kirk has to face.
1. Chapter 1

Sleep was elusive.

Sleep was difficult.

Sleep was impossible.

It no longer mattered how late James T. Kirk went to bed. It no longer mattered how tired he was. It no longer mattered how strenuous his daily routine had been. Sleep was something he could no longer possess, no longer have. Like a desired bed mate, it taunted and teased him before sliding away, leaving him alone and stranded. Stranded in a world of sleepers, of people whose rhythms were functioning properly, who could easily fall into that void only to emerge six, seven, eight hours later revived and refreshed. Kirk felt increasingly alienated by them - he no longer understood how they could achieve this, and he could not. Instead, he would sit up, staring blankly out into the darkness. He never put on lights, never got up. Just sat in bed, entangled in a soft cocoon, deriving no comfort, or pleasure. His mind would stream along without control or guidance, thoughts penetrating and invading. Thoughts that in public, he would never dare say or admit to.

You watched him.

You allowed him.

You didn't even try and stop him.

No one had said any of this to him. Not directly. Kirk knew that his status alone prevented criticism - he was the captain who stopped the Enterprise from falling out of the sky, stopped the crew from dying. He had done this at personal cost, allowing himself to be poisoned by radiation. The captain who had technically died. The captain who had returned from that twilight netherworld on the cusp of living and dying.

You let him kill in front of her.

During the day, he walked the ship with bouyancy. He smiled. He spoke. He interacted with his crew mates. But he never stopped questioning inside. Did they blame him? Did they think he was guilty? Did they think he was still worthy of being their captain?

On the bridge, he sat in the chair. Shifting uncomfortably, as though it were first too small, then too big. As though it was deliberately trying to unsettle him, unseat him. Around him, voices swirled - crisp, warm, coolly logical.

"I don't know if we should go near this-"

"It is reasonable to assume we could survive-"

"I haven't seen these co-ordinates before-"

Kirk heard. He didn't listen. His eyes were scanning, looking at their faces. He avoided their eyes. There was only one face he saw, and when he saw it, he found himself shuddering internally.

That night, he laid down, and closed his eyes. Then he was back there. Lying there, helpless, stunned. Hearing her scream of pain, then her screams of anguish. That sound - that sound of crushing, splitting - dying. His eyes jerked open and he sat up, panting.

Rubbing his face, he felt like sobbing.

* * *

"You're not looking that good."

Jim looked up from the cup of coffee he had been staring into for five minutes. Nyota Uhura sat opposite him, looking as crisp as she had when he'd first spotted her in that bar in Riverside. She waited patiently for him to respond, picking up her own coffee and taking a sip. Kirk, she surmised, would never let a comment on his looks pass without response.

"I'm fine," he shrugged. "Just - tired."

She blinked. "Well, not going to disagree. You actually seen the size of the bags under your eyes?"

Kirk swallowed. Uhura would not let anything go. He was beginning to regret responding so honestly. "Can't say I looked too closely."

A ghost of a smile lit the Lieutenant's lips. "Now, Jim - there's a first!"

"It does happen," he murmured.

Wrong tactic. Her face clouded with concern again. This was not the carefree, playful Kirk she knew. She leaned over. "Jim." Her tone was warm. "If you're-"

"I have to go to the bridge," he interrupted, causing her to lean back, surprised he'd been so rude. "See you there. Ten minutes."

He left the un drunk coffee and got up. As he walked away, Uhura's face clouded with surprise and distress. Picking up her own coffee cup, she took a sip, trying hard to control her thoughts.

Suddenly, she heard another voice. "May I sit down?"

Uhura blinked, looking up into the face of Carol Marcus. "Doctor! Of course!"

The blonde sat down, and smiled at Uhura. "Thank you Lieutenant." She reached for coffee cup, and then looked at Uhura. "Are you all right?"

Uhura nodded. "Yes. Thank you for asking."

"Its just - " the other woman's face clouded slightly. "I noticed Captain Kirk was opposite you - you seem a little-"

Uhura blinked. "I'm fine, really." She stirred her now lukewarm coffee, wondering whether to confide to her relatively new crew mate, or to keep her feelings to herself. She dismissed the former idea, and took a swallow of the tepid liquid. "Its just - this is a huge mission-"

Marcus nodded, her facial expression warm. "It is - but its a wonderful crew to be part of."

"It is." She bit her lip. The same sentiment Kirk would have expressed. Except he was now behaving as though the crew were the last people he wanted to associate with.

* * *

"Jim? Quiet? Uncommunicative? You sure this isn't a good thing?!"

Uhura clicked her tongue in exasperation as she stared at Bones. His attempt at humour failed to quench her worry. Seeing her expression, the CMO began to backtrack.

"Uhura - I'm sorry. But he hasn't come to me, or given any indication he has a problem." Bones rubbed his forehead. "He is the captain."

"He is. And that's why I'm- he seems so - unlike himself."

"He did nearly die," Bones reminded her, gently. "Remember, I had him out cold for two weeks, he needed extensive treatment - its a lot to process."

The lieutenant felt her exasperation growing. "Look. I was in the canteen. I sat opposite him. He looks exhausted."

"If he's not sleeping he can come to me for a sedative. He only has to ask."

"Bones!" Uhura finally lost her patience. "I thought you were his friend-"

"I am." McCoy stood up straight and looked her full in the face. "Which is why I'm not going to fuss over him. He doesn't want special treatment, or coddling. He's making that very clear."

"Can't you just slip him something?"

McCoy looked at her, shocked. "Uhura!"

She swallowed. "Sorry. I know that would be unethical. Unprofessional." Her words had a slight sting. "But Jim's in bad shape. And its not going to disappear."

Bones finally nodded. "OK. I'll schedule a medical. He can't escape. All right?"

She smiled, tepidly. "It'll do."

* * *

"Sir?"

Jim started. He'd been in his quarters, lying down, when sleep had suddenly pulled him in, under, like a dark wave. He blinked and looked at a clock. Middle of the afternoon. Sleeping when he should be on the bridge. And now Mr Chekov had come and found him.

Getting up, he let the door slide open. "Mr Chekov?"

"Sir." The young officer's face crumpled in surprise at the dishevelled state of the captain. "We - Mr Scott, Dr Marcus - wondered if you could come to the engineering-"

"Of course." Kirk stood back, letting the door slide on the startled officer. Moving through the room, he wandered into the bathroom, letting water run, splashing it on his face. He felt a mess.

He took a step into his quarters. They were also as dishevelled and as uncared for as their owner. Bed sheets were tangled and sweat stained. Clothes simply deposited on the floor. He sighed and sat down.

Pike. Pike had told him he didn't deserve the chair. That he wasn't ready for it. He'd argued against that in the wake of the man's abrupt and untimely death, to Wallace-

He blinked. His tablet had bleeped, and he turned to it. A message.

"Sickbay. Now."

* * *

"Bones?"

"Here." The other man looked up from the papers he was reading. "Jim. Thanks for coming down so quickly. Take a seat. Here."

Kirk looked at Bones reluctantly. "Why did you-"

"Medical. Once over." Bones stated firmly, in a tone that Jim knew would not broker argument. "Now, please, have a seat."

"Why?"

"Because-" McCoy walked over and looked at the Captain. "Because I've noticed you look - exhausted."

Jim shrugged. "I'm all right, really."

"I'm the doctor, I'll be the judge of that. Now, shall we begin? Or do you want to waste another ten minutes arguing?"

Jim conceded. He knew there was no point. He merely wanted to get the ordeal over with.

* * *

"Your blood pressure is high."

"OK."

"And - would you step on the scale?"

"Bones-"

"Jim. Thanks."

Kirk did so. Bones studied the numbers, frowning slightly. "You've lost weight."

Jim shrugged. "Well, better than middle aged spread."

"Not funny." Bones looked at him, sharply. "You lost weight whilst you were ill - you don't need to lose more now."

Jim sighed. "Bones. Enough. I'm fine. I have a lot to do - so if you don't mind-"

"Hold on," McCoy interrupted, causing the younger man to look at him in outright annoyance. "There is something going on - you can always-"

"I don't need to do anything," Kirk snapped back. Before Bones could retaliate, he turned and left the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. Thank you for reading the first chapter!**

Uhura sighed as she sat at her station, idly flicking her eyes over the patterns of the screen. She pretended to be engrossed, trying to avoid conversations with other crew members. She could feel Sulu's eyes glance at her. Suddenly, her tablet flashed, causing her to twist in her seat.

_Sickbay please. Please? _

Uhura got up without a word, not even acknowledging Spock. As she walked past him, the First Officer observed her with his usual cool demeanour, not betraying a hint that there was anything unusual.

"Captain on the bridge", Sulu announced. Spock turned, coming face to face with Jim. "Captain."

"Commander." Kirk nodded. "Where are we?"

Spock looked at the captain. His scrutinising gaze was noted by Kirk, who shifted slightly. "Is something wrong, Spock?"

"No, of course not." Spock turned away, focusing on the screens. "I'll show you our co-ordinates. I have been waiting to do so."

Kirk blinked. "I'm sure you have...I had to go down to the sickbay-"

"Are you ill?"

Kirk smiled in spite of himself. "No. Bones wanted a chat."

"Dr McCoy chooses very inopportune times," Spock said calmly. "I need to speak to you here."

"Of course, Spock."

* * *

"Lieutenant?"

Uhura had barely entered the sickbay to be approached by the doctor. His face was carved into a frown, and he spoke before she could utter a greeting. "I owe you an apology."

She blinked. "For what?"

"You're right. Jim - its as though he's not here." McCoy shook his head. "I just pulled him down here, it was as though I was dealing with a ghost."

She swallowed. "You're exaggerating."

"Uhura. You wanted my opinion on the captain. I'm now telling you." Bones was frowning openly. "If I told you that you were mistaken, you'd still be upset, and accusing me of not seeing reality. Well, I have seen reality, and I'm telling you that you were correct."

"So, what's wrong with him?"

"Well, he is exhausted." Bones nodded. "I'll wager he hasn't slept a full night for a while. And he's lost weight. Though he seems OK with that."

She nodded. "Fine. So what you're really saying is not to worry."

"No." Bones looked at her. "I'm saying that we do."

* * *

"The co-ordinates indicate that we should be able to land on this planet in another two days, Captain. That means we can leave to attempt an exploration-"

Jim's mind was wandering, away from the monotone tones of his First Officer. He looked around the ship. Carol Marcus stood randomly tapping out data. He blinked.

Suddenly, he was there. Lying on the floor, saliva and blood drooling from his mouth. At the feet of a man who would only regret that he had not killed him. Who kicked him harder than though he was a dog. Who had moved over, menacingly, to another man that lay on the floor. A man whose control had shattered and was left flailing, helplessly.

_"You should have let me sleep-"_

"Do you need to sleep, Captain?"

Jim blinked, suddenly his mind awake with a shocking jerk. Spock was looking at him, his face creased slightly. Kirk studied the Vulcan's smooth features.

_Was that concern in his eyes?_

"Sleep?" Jim chuckled, a sound which rang false even to his own ears. "No, I'm fine. Wide awake."

Spock arched an eyebrow. "You do not look it." He did not avert his gaze. "You look tired."

"Thank you Spock," Kirk said, his tone sharper than he intended. "Remind me next time I need a self esteem boost-"

"I do not think you would ever need one, Captain. You sometimes give the impression that you are too self-confident."

Kirk's mouth twisted. "Spock, are you actually going to show me something useful, or is this just a character assassination?!"

"I do not mean to upset you," the Vulcan said, clearly puzzled. "I am merely being honest."

Kirk stood up. "Spock. When you have something useful-"

"Please, Captain-"

"No." Jim turned to him. "I am going to ask you for the final time. Do you have something useful to tell me, or not?"

Spock blinked, then stood up, straight. His calm composure was a stark contrast to the visibly stressed man opposite him.

"Captain. When you start behaving in a manner I can communicate with, yes. Until then no."

Furious, Jim turned away.

"Are you all right Sir?"

He blinked. Carol Marcus was standing in front of him.

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. Apologies if I don't update often - I have a full time job which makes a lot of demands. But I will try and keep this going!**

"Captain?"

Kirk blinked, trying to focus on the face before him. Her eyes contained concern -an expression, he realised with irritation, was becoming commonplace amongst his crew. Not respect, not admiration - concern. And, in Spock's face, he was beginning to detect what he thought was pity.

"Yes, doctor?" He snapped out, causing the young woman to step back. Her face creased in puzzlement. "I only came to ask you about-" she bit her lip, in consternation. "In fact, it doesn't matter. I'll speak to Mr Scott instead."

Turning, she walked away. Kirk looked at Spock. "Don't say anything."

"I was not intending to," the First Officer said, his voice calm against the surge of the captain's emotions. "However, I think you have plenty to say to others. But I don't think you are willing to."

Stunned, Kirk looked at him. "Spock?"

"Captain, you seem - agitated." The long pause mid sentence rattled Jim even more. "Yes, agitated. Perhaps you are even...depressed."

"Depressed?!" Jim looked at him, his eyebrows raised. "Why would I be depressed? And who are you to judge?" He shook his head. "If I seem depressed, Spock, it is because I have a crew that seems to be intent on treating me as though I'm a baby-"

"Then maybe you should stop acting like one." This aside came from Uhura, who had re-appeared on the bridge without either of the two men noticing. "Maybe you should stop acting like a baby and start acting like an adult. An adult who is charge of this ship."

"Well, thank you for the character assassination, Lieutenant," Kirk said, bitterly. "But I have more important things to listen to."

As he walked away, Uhura shook her head helplessly. "I'm sorry, Spock," she apologised to the Vulcan. "He just - he -"

"It is all right," the First Officer said, his voice low. "We should get back to work."

Uhura swallowed, controlling her emotions. "Fine," she said, her own tone wooden. She could not, however, stop from looking over her shoulder, at the ghost of a man who was walking away.

Kirk had once strode onto the bridge as though he were a king. Now he were leaving as though he were broken.

* * *

"Dr Marcus!" Montgomery Scott looked up as she walked into engineering. "This is a nice surprise!"

The blonde smiled - a genuine one. "Thank you," she said, as though relieved to find someone who might appreciate her company. "I wanted to show the captain something, but he-"

"Och, you don't want to listen to him," the Scotsman grumbled. "He's a right moody one at the moment." Scott shook his head, and picked up a wrench. "Probably a bad hair day. That's about as deep as Jimbo can get!"

Carol tried to suppress a giggle. "I think you might do him a disservice, Mr Scott!"

"Ach no." Scotty shook his head again. "I'm sure its possibly girl trouble." He raised his eyebrows. "God knows there's been plenty of them! Anyway, enough about him...what can I help you with?"

* * *

Kirk was back in his quarters. Staring into space, not looking. He was resting his chin on his hand, not thinking about the ship, or the crew. He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there. Minutes? Hours?

Either way, he didn't care. He was lost in a fog of memories, that tormented him at night and haunted his days.

He remembered the first punch. Straight, hard, to the jaw, which had felled him. Then he remembered the other hand closing around his throat, delivering another blow. Eyes, wild with insanity, had glared at his. Picked up as though he were weightless, thrown against the wall. And kicked in the midriff - a kick so vicious he thought it would tear through his abdomen.

He'd been helpless. Pathetic. Unable to stop a man murdering a father in front of his daughter.

The sickening crack rang in his head. He'd lain there, staring, doing nothing. Was he really better than his opponent?

Or worse?

He'd allowed him to live. He'd been given an order to kill him. He had not. Instead, he'd thought he knew a better way. And he had failed.

He rubbed his forehead, and began to sit up. He'd removed his uniform and was clad in cloth robe, that was ageing as rapidly as its owner. He dismissively flicked cotton off his sleeve. He was a far cry from the cocky, handsome man who had both charmed and irritated Starfleet in equal measure.

He remembered the first time she'd approached him. On the shuttle, smiling nervously and introducing herself. He'd been charmed.

Now he felt disgusted. Disgusted with himself.

He leaned forward, and rubbed his forehead. There was one thing he could do. One thing, he mused, that could eradicate this.

His opponent was not dead.

He was only in stasis.

**Please review - it is appreciated**


	4. Chapter 4

Only in stasis.

The man who had brought him to his knees had been allowed to live. Preserved in an ice coated netherland.

Kirk leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. He had to be preserved, in order to save him. The other man's superior cellular structure had given him a second chance at life.

_But at what cost? _he thought, with a stab of bitterness. All the others saw was a man who had been reborn. Fleetingly, he wondered if they should have simply left him. He would have been free from the constant ache of guilt.

He'd let Khan kill Marcus. He'd let him threaten the lives of his crew. He'd let them watch as he was taken down.

Kirk swallowed. Remove Khan from stasis...and finally...

He shook his head, as though frightened of his own thoughts. Thoughts he could not reveal to the others. But neither, he surmised, could he remain on this ship. He bit his lip, his thoughts starting to whirl.

Suddenly, he heard a soft knocking on the door. Standing up, he pulled his robe tighter, and pressed the button. The slid open smoothlessly, soundlessly.

Montgomery Scott was standing on the other side. "Right, I can see yer up," he commented wryly, taking in the dishevelled appearance of the Captain. "But are you awake? Or are you just mopin' around over her?!"

Jim blinked. "Moping? Over-" he shook his head. "Scotty, you've lost me."

"Dr Marcus was concerned about ye," the Scotsman replied, bluntly. "I told her you were probably havin' girl trouble." He gave the other man a shrewd look. "And let's face it, there've been plenty of 'em!"

Kirk was annoyed. "Maybe there were, Scotty. But I never forced anyone into doing anything that she-"

"Ack, Jimbo, what's wrong? It was a harmless little joke, man." The engineer's face was shifting from light hearted to a more serious, searching look. "I don't think the doctor was too impressed."

"Really?" Kirk smiled tiredly. "She did tell me my reputation proceeded me."

"Indeed, you should have heard some of the stories I have." Scotty smiled warmly at him. "But, that aside, I did wannae speak to you."

"What about?"

"The core, Sir." Scotty swallowed. "I need you to come to it. But you might wannae get dressed first...?"

Kirk looked down at himself. "Of course," he said, his tone slightly curt. "I'll meet you there."

* * *

"There is no point in speaking to that man. Trust me."

Uhura swallowed, suddenly more annoyed with herself than she was with McCoy. Coming to the sick bay repeatedly - she was beginning to feel as though she were pathetic for worrying. And McCoy's blunt riposte was not helping.

"I know." Her tone was sharp. "And he's floating around like a ghost, barricading himself in his quarters - and you're saying there is no point in speaking to him."

"I'm saying he will come to us in his own time." McCoy shrugged. "Now, as the captain is indisposed, I'm sure you and Spock are running this place." He looked at her. "And you're doing a fantastic job."

Uhura did not even feel cheered by McCoy's confidence. "Thanks," she said tonelessly. Turning, she left the bay.

* * *

As Kirk descended to the core of the Enterprise, he realised he had left his pad in his room. Disregarding the opportunity to return and get it, he kept walking. Montgomery Scott was almost dancing with excitement.

"I think I found one, Sir!"

"Found what?" Kirk sounded nonchalent.

"Its a-" Scott blinked. "Sir?"

"What?"

"Are you even listening?"

Kirk blinked. "I need to get off this ship."

"What?!" Scotty looked at him as though he'd suddenly grown another head. "You leave the ship?! What on earth for-?!"

"Because," Kirk said, trying to control his heightened breathing, "I need to get back to the Headquarters. I need you to put the Enterprise into warp. I need you to do this, without alerting anyone on the bridge."

"Are you crazy?!"

"No," Kirk said, shaking his head. "I'm completely sure. Now, will you do this for me or not?"

"Don't try and bully me Jim," Scott warned, his brogue becoming thicker. "Last time you tried, I resigned - remember?"

"Yes!" Kirk glared at the other man. "Of course I do! You resigned, because I was stupid, and wouldn't listen to you! And its because I wouldn't listen, that I'm now-" he paused, ignoring the other man's open mouthed expression. "Just - help me now, and put the ship into warp-"

"Have you gone insane, man?" Scotty asked. "Is it those cells you were given - have you -"

"Have I what?" Kirk demanded.

The engineering chief shook his head. "Sir. I'm sorry, I can't sabotage this ship, even for you."

* * *

"Lieutenant, would you request the Captain come to the bridge, please?"

"Of course Commander," Uhura replied, crisply professional. She quickly keyed in the communication code, only for a bleep of an incoming message. "Yes?"

"Engineering to bridge, Lieutenant Uhura."

"Mr Scott?" Uhura frowned. "What is it?"

"Lieutenant, Mr Spock and yourself had better get down here."

"What?"

"The captain's here, Lieutenant. He's out cold."

"What?!" Uhura couldn't make sense of what she was hearing. "Why is he-Mr Scott?"

The engineer's voice came through, low, and apologetic.

"Because I hit him with a wrench."

**Thank you for reading - please review if you wish!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. **

Uhura could not quite believe what she had just heard. Swallowing, she tried to understand. Spock, his expression unreadable, was standing next to her. He gestured for her to question the Engineering Chief again.

"You did - what?!"

"I hit with a wrench, Lieutenant. I didn't wannae do it, but he was going mad, crazy - ranting away about how he had to get back to Starfleet, wanting me to sabotage the core-"

Uhura had heard enough. "Thank you Mr Scott. Myself and Commander Spock will be there in due course. Please don't move him."

"I have no intention of doin' so." Scotty sounded remorseful. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

Uhura got up, and followed by Spock hurried out of the room.

* * *

"He- he was rantin' away, Mr Spock." The Engineering Chief was standing next to the prone body of Kirk, who was on the floor, looking as though he were fast asleep. Scott's expression was regretful. "He - was jabberin' on about havin' to go back - about how he'd made things worse-"

"Mr Scott." The calm, emotionless tone of the Vulcan cut through the Scotsman's panic. "I do not believe you would ever attack the Captain out of malice or a desire to harm. For you to do this there must have been a serious provocation which you are explaining. Once we have dealt with the Captain, I will speak to you to find out what happened."

Mollified, Scotty nodded. "Aye, Sir."

Spock turned to Uhura. "We have to get him to the sick bay so Dr McCoy can conduct a detailed examination." The Lieutenant did not object. Her eyes had widened when she saw Kirk on the ground, and also the sizeable wrench that the Engineering Chief had wielded. Crouching down, she began to hook the unconscious man's arm over her shoulder. Scotty moved forward.

"No, Lieutenant, let me."

Spock nodded, taking Kirk's other arm. As they pulled him up, Scott looked at the First Officer with an expression of surprise.

"What is it, Mr Scott?"

"Well, maybe I'm speakin' out of turn, as I did just whack him with a bloody great wrench, but-" the Engineering Chief looked at Spock.

"What is it, Mr Scott?" The Vulcan repeated.

"Has he been on a diet?!"

Uhura looked at the First Officer. For the first time, she thought she could detect an emotion in them - worry.

"Not that I am aware of," Spock replied calmly. "Let us get him to Sickbay." He turned to Uhura. "Lieutenant, I must ask you go to the Bridge. Whilst I am dealing with this situation you are in charge."

Her jaw dropped. "But-"

"Lieutenant. Please?"

Nodding, she turned and left.

* * *

"Spock!" Bones hastily put down a handful of paperwork when the First Officer and Chief entered, dragging the limp body of James Kirk between them. "What in God's name happened to him?!"

"I hit with a wrench doctor," Scotty answered.

McCoy looked at Scott as though he had started speaking in Klingon. "You - did - what?"

"Hit him with a wrench. How many times do I have to say it?" The Scotsman's exasperation was beginning to show. "Does anyone of ye wannae know why I hit Captain James Kirk with the wrench?!"

"I am very interested in why you did that, Mr Scott," Spock said calmly. "But first I would like Dr McCoy to examine him and give me his views. Would you mind going to the bridge and waiting for me? Thank you."

The command was delivered politely and firmly. The Chief had no choice but to accept and walk out of the sick bay, leaving McCoy, Spock, and Kirk.

McCoy nodded. "Right. On the bed."

As the two men shifted the third up, McCoy blinked. "He's lighter than he was - did you notice that?"

"Mr Scott did," the Vulcan replied. "But I have not noticed anything."

"You wouldn't." There was a slight edge of annoyance in the doctor's voice. "Have you noticed how he looks exhausted? And I'm willing to bet he's not been the most alert lately."

"I have noticed he has not been as confident as he usually is, but I am not sure that is a bad thing."

"Meaning?"

"Dr McCoy. Sometimes the Captain is too confident, and he takes risks." Spock swallowed, as though he felt a twinge of guilt at criticising - albeit mildly - a man who was unable to defend himself. "If he is becoming reflective that can only be beneficial for the ship. But-"

"But what?"

"I did ask him if he were depressed." The First Officer looked at McCoy. "He denied it."

McCoy swallowed. "Thank you Mr Spock. I trust you want me to do a full medical?"

"I do." The Vulcan nodded. "Dr McCoy, I authorise you to keep Captain Kirk here until I give notice."

Bones looked at him in disbelief. "Are you saying you want me to keep Jim a prisoner down here?!"

"Not a prisoner, but until I discover why he is behaving this way I do not consider it safe for him to be on the bridge." The First Officer looked almost troubled. "I will leave him in your capable hands, doctor."

"Thank you Commander."

"One other thing." McCoy looked up. "I will not allow any visitors except myself and Lieutenant Uhura. Not Mr Scott, and not Dr Marcus. Is that agreed?"

McCoy nodded. "Agreed."

* * *

"I didnae mean to lamp him, Lieutenant, but-"

"Its allright, Mr Scott," Uhura said, gently. "What was the Captain doing down in the core?"

"I asked him to go down there - I needed to show him some new tech." Scotty swallowed. "But he started rantin' on about how he'd made mistakes, and he hadnae listened to me, or anyone else - and that was why he was-"

"Why he was what?"

"I didnae know, Lieutenant. He didn't finish telling me. But he wanted me to sabotage the ship, so we had to go back to Earth."

Uhura was stunned. "Kirk - he actually wanted you to-"

"Aye." Scotty nodded. "He did. I asked him if he were turnin' into the power mad one - you know-"

Uhura did. "And then?"

"I hit him, Lieutenant. I had to. I was worried he do something crazy." Scotty swallowed. "The warp core is not that stable. Its not as stable as it was before. If he'd tampered with it, he could have killed us all. Not taken us to Earth."

* * *

Kirk stirred, mumbling. McCoy looked up from the vital statistics he was studying. "Well, hello." He walked to the side of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Jim swallowed. "I...what...happened?"

"Apparently Mr Scott hit you with a wrench." McCoy's face was expressionless. "So, you're here."

Lifting his head up and looking down his body, Jim's eyes widened. He was wearing a regulation sick bay tunic, with his ankles restrained. He blinked, and tried to move his wrists. "Bones? What are you-?"

"Whoa, steady there." The doctor's reassuring presence only comforted Kirk for a moment. "You're not going anywhere."

Kirk looked at him. "Are you holding me down here for a reason, Bones?"

"I am." The doctor nodded. "I'm holding you here because I have done a detailed examination - one that you have kept refusing. You are currently deficient in several minerals, your heart rate is erratic, and your weight is low. So, I am keeping you here."

Kirk shook his head. "You don't need to."

"I am on orders of Commander Spock."

"Spock!" Suddenly furious, Jim turned his head fully and glared. "He is not Captain, I am!"

"You're a Captain who asked the Engineering Chief to sabotage the ship."

Uhura's curt voice sliced through the rising tension in the room. McCoy nodded. She stood next to the bed. "Scotty has told me everything, Jim." She looked at McCoy. "What are you doing for him, Doctor?"

"He's on an IV." Bones pointed to the clear bag full of glucose that was winding its way into Kirk's system. "A compound of calories and vitamins needed." He looked at Kirk. "I estimate you are at least 15lbs lighter than you were a year ago. And the fact you do not seem to worry about this...its worrying. So I'm intervening." He tapped the IV bag with a pen. "Being on this for a few days, hopefully you should gain back at least 5lbs."

Kirk sighed. "Oh, fattening me up now?"

"If it slows you down that may not be a bad thing," Uhura snapped. She leaned over, almost hissing at Kirk. "If it stops you from trying to pressure the Chief Engineer to do something that could kill all of us - I'm happy for Bones to keep you here for a year!"

"Not to mention," Bones interjected, "your weight loss is a sign of other issues. Your exhaustion. Your mood swings - they are not normal."

Kirk shook his head. "Spare me. Just let me up."

"No."

Jim blinked. Spock was in the doorway. Ignoring Kirk, he spoke directly to McCoy.

"Doctor. I ask that you keep the Captain here for the next 48 hours. Monitor his signs and report any regularities." He glanced at Kirk, who icily returned his gaze. "Please ensure that he maintains regular nourishment and is allowed to sleep."

Bones nodded. "Of course."

"Wait!"

The Vulcan looked at Jim. "Yes, Captain?"

"Are you going to keep me here? Think you can?"

Spock didn't betray a flicker of emotion. "Captain. I would think carefully about what you just said and the tone in which you delivered it. Your behaviour is indicating that you are not fit to be captain of this ship. As you seemingly refuse to accept that, then I am taking command as Acting Captain. You will stay here until myself, Dr McCoy, and Lieutenant Uhura feel you are fit to return to the bridge."

Spock turned and left, followed by Uhura. Bones leaned over and whispered.

"Jim. Accept it. You could be coming off this ship in handcuffs."

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. **

He slept.

An undisturbed, sedative influenced sleep. Jim Kirk slept, his mind drifting into a black, shapeless void. Prone on the table, carefully administered to by selected crew members. The Captain of the Enterprise was oblivious to anything outside of his own contracting consciousness.

* * *

"How is he, doctor?"

McCoy looked up as Spock entered. The Vulcan's face was expressionless as he gazed down at the sleeping form of Jim Kirk, whose face had taken on an almost child like repose. "He's sleeping. Not being sarcastic, Spock. I've given him enough sedative to knock him out for at least 24 hours."

Spock looked at the doctor, his expression almost surprised. "This seems like a long time."

"I need him to sleep so I can begin tests." McCoy gestured to a small table, Spock walked over to it. "I've taken a blood sample, and I'm currently trying to see if there is any irregularity - any poisoning. Whether any of those cells have started to..."

McCoy's voice trailed off, and Spock did not press him to complete the sentence. "Is he responding to your treatment?"

"I've increased the amount of glucose - although I hope it doesn't give him diabetes." McCoy gave the Science Officer a half smile. "Still, he's been undereating so every little helps."

"I'm sure it will." Spock nodded at the CMO. "I will return later, doctor. Please continue your good work."

As Spock left, McCoy allowed himself a smile. "Good work" was about as effusive as the Vulcan would ever get.

* * *

Montgomery Scott was carefully adjusting controls on the core when he heard the clatter of feet. Looking up, he saw Carol Marcus in front of him. "Doctor. What cannae do for ye?"

The blonde didn't smile. "Mr Scott, I need to ask you - what's happened to the Captain?"

Scott swallowed, aware that he was one of the four on board who knew the truth. The rest of the crew had been informed that Kirk had a virus, was in Sick Bay, and not allowed visitors. But he also knew that Carol would be determined to find out what had really happened, and he wasn't convinced of his ability to refuse to tell her.

"He's sick, that's all." Scott shrugged, feigning indifference. "But, the guy thinks he's superhuman. Thinks he'll survive us all."

"He did die," Carol reminded him. "Maybe its a delayed reaction, physically?"

"I couldn't say. I'm not a doctor." Scott kept his head done, doggedly refusing to look at the worried face in front of him.

"Mr Scott-"

"Look, Dr Marcus," Scotty interrupted, his unease coming to the surface. "I didnae know what's wrong with Jim. I don't. I'm sorry." He rubbed his face. "He did die, you said that. Maybe he shouldnae come back. Maybe - he needs some time off. I don't know. But I do know that he isn't well."

Carol looked at him. "Mr Scott- are you allright?"

"No," the Chief said, bluntly. He gave an apologetic smile. "Sorry, doctor. Its not you."

Nodding, Carol turned to leave. "Thank you Mr Scott."

Swallowing, Scotty watched her go, hedging a guess he knew where she was going.

* * *

"Perhaps you should start from the beginning."

Kirk eyed Khan, safely imprisoned behind the thick sheet of glass. The other man smirked at him, smugly.

"Start with what, Mr Kirk?"

"What you want - what you intend to do-"

"I think you know very well what I intend to do."

* * *

"His vital signs are accelerating - so is his heartbeat!"

"Doctor -"

"Give me the shot - need to pull him out of this!"

* * *

"You said you have something to tell me." Kirk took a step closer to the glass. "You said that you thought I had a conscience - that means you think I would listen to you."

"Or perhaps I just think you're weak, Mr Kirk. Weak and vain enough to think that I think your opinion matters. You may be the Captain of this ship but you do not have an inkling about how this is going to play out."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I will kill your crew. I will kill the Admiral. And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr Kirk. You'll lie there, open mouthed, as I do this. Then I will kill you. And you'll scream for it to be over. Why? Because you're weak. You won't fight back. Ever."

"I would against you-"

"But I'm superior to you in every way, Mr Kirk. Unlike you, I don't feel compassion. I don't feel empathy. But you do. And that's why you're going to lie there as I rid you of your-"

* * *

Kirk sat up, gasping for breath. McCoy smoothly pulled a needle out of his arm, then gently blotted it with gauze. "Easy now," he said gently. Kirk looked at him, and with a shock, Bones saw that the other man's eyes were wild.

"Where is he?"

"Who?" McCoy replied, his tone calm, trying to conceal the panic he was beginning to feel. "Who, Jim?"

"Khan!"

"Jim," McCoy said, gently, "breathe."

"No, I need to-"

McCoy watched as Kirk leaned forward, frantically ripping at the ties to his ankles. His hands had been freed under the sedative. Suddenly, the IV tube was pulled out of the Captain's pale arm, and he was on his feet.

"Jim!" McCoy practically roared. "What are you-"

Suddenly, he felt himself pushed aside. Kirk was moving out of the sick bay.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. **

The bridge of the Enterprise hummed with activity. Uhura tapped out communications; Sulu carefully guiding the navigation. Officers moved, interacting, talking. Screens flashed. Under the calmly watchful eye of Spock, who seated in the chair, rapped out commands with coolly impeccable logic.

Suddenly, a shout ripped through the atmosphere.

"SPOCK!"

* * *

McCoy didn't have time to think. The sight of the captain, clad in nothing but a sickbay tunic, prompted him to move. Despite visibly shaking Jim Kirk was relentless, trying to sprint up the corridor.

Bones knew he was heading for the bridge, and decided not to try to stop the agitated man. He knew that Spock would.

* * *

The officers on the bridge turned their heads in surprise at the voice of Jim Kirk - but the surprise melted into shock as they took in his appearance. Dishevelled, and visibly too thin, clad in a tunic, he was less a captain than a crazed apparition. Spock blinked as though trying to convince himself that he wasn't there.

"Captain-"

"Oh, so you do remember I am the Captain?!" The mere uttering of the word seemed to send a fresh wave of emotion through Kirk, he locked eyes with the Vulcan. "Therefore, you will do as I ask."

"Captain." Spock's refusal to rise to Kirk's baiting sent a calmness into the charged atmosphere of the bridge. "We have discussed this. You are recovering from a viral infection and you need to rest. Please return to the Sickbay."

"I'm not going anywhere- until you do as I ask." Kirk took a step forward. "You need to return to Starfleet Head Quarters. You need to now."

"Well in that case you will have to stand there for some time," Spock responded, a flicker of coolness edging into his voice. "As we are not turning round."

"You don't understand," Kirk said, bitterly, "but then I wouldn't expect a robot to."

"Your insulting me indicates that you are still not fully in your right presence of mind," Spock retorted. "I am going to ask you to return to the Sickbay."

"You need to take me back." It came out as a hiss. "I am warning you Spock-"

At this point, noting that every pair of eyes in the room was now focusing on the two men, the Vulcan grabbed Kirk's arms. "I am taking you back to Sickbay so you can be sedated. Mr Sulu? Until I return, you are in the chair."

Without another word, his arm gripped Jim's and began to lead him out of the bridge. The remaining officers looked after them, their expressions varying in disbelief and shock. Uhuru began walking after them, completely refusing to acknowledge the rest of the crew.

* * *

"Let go of me, Spock!"

Bones sighed as the First Officer deposited Kirk back in the Sickbay. Shaking his head, he walked over and began to guide Jim towards one of the beds. "I can walk," Kirk snapped.

"Really?" Bones looked at him, his expression a mixture of pity and annoyance. "On those toothpicks?!" He shrugged. "Hate to tell you this, but I'm amazed you can even stand up with that amount of muscle wastage."

Kirk glowered. "OK, but if you think shoving that into my arm and fattening me up like a Thanksgiving turkey is going to help-"

"Its called nutrition, which will keep you alive, and hopefully give you some mental clarity," the doctor retorted. "Plus at least if you're fat you'll be easier for us all to catch if you pull a stunt like this again." He pulled out the IV cord, and without even giving warning, plugged it into Jim's arm. "Stop arguing. Stop complaining. Stop embarrassing yourself. You've done enough."

"Captain." Spock stood at the end of the bed. "If you come to the bridge again, I will have no choice but to notify the Head Quarters which could lead to your dismissal. You are here because you sabotaged our ship. You need to stay here."

"None of you have asked me why," Kirk responded. "Which is interesting."

"Do we need to know?" Uhura asked, tightly. "Because I for one am not that interested. I think you need to accept that you have lost your status on this ship."

"I lost my status before I even set foot on it again," Kirk snapped back. "Think about it. Seeing him holding a phaser to my head didn't make you wonder why I was in charge?"

Uhuru blinked. "Jim-"

"You saw him kick me like a dog. You watched him threaten the lives of everyone on the ship, whilst I lay at his feet. I lay there and watched him crack a man's skull in front of his daughter, who I have to face every day." Kirk's voice was soft, sibilant hiss. "And now you wonder why I'm happy to throw my so called status away?"

"Jim, it wasn't your fault." Bones spoke calmly. "He was a psychopath-"

"-and I tried to make him an ally," Kirk shook his head. "And none of you tried to stop me."

"How could we?" Uhura demanded. "You had no choice. None of us did. We were all forced into giving into him."

"Jim. You know Khan is in cryosleep. He's not coming back-"

"You need to take me to him." Kirk was practically clawing at the bed. "I need to see him."

"Jim-"

"You don't understand, Lieutenant. This is something I need to do."

Spock shook his head. "What are you planning to do, Captain?"

Kirk looked at his First Officer.

"I plan to kill him."

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	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. **

"Doctor McCoy." Spock looked at Bones, ignoring Jim completely. "Please administer a high dose of sedative to the Captain. I will return when he is in a calmer state of mind."

"I-" Bones looked at the Vulcan. "I'm not sure that's a good idea-"

"That's the best thing you've said all day," Jim spat, struggling against the restraints. "You sedate me, and I will claim that I'm being held hostage by my First Officer. Can you live with that, Spock?"

"Your anger is misplaced. I am merely trying to keep you safe, Captain. You are clearly in agitated state of mind and unable to reach a conclusion. Therefore sedation is the best thing. Doctor, please."

Spock turned and left, followed by Uhura. Bones swallowed, and reached for a syringe. Jim's hand gripped his wrist. "Bones- don't. Just don't."

"I can't." McCoy shook his head. "This is insanity. You can't kill Khan, Jim - he's in cryosleep, and no one will sanction waking him up! Anyone who does - I don't like to think of the consequences. What happens if he's woken up? You just go to him, with a lethal dose? Or challenge him to a fight? Its not going to happen."

"Yes it is."

"Jim." McCoy's voice was soothing, as though that of a parent to a distressed child. "Please. Just accept that you have to move on."

"I-"

Suddenly, Kirk was plunged into darkness.

* * *

"Did you sedate him, Doctor?"

"I did." McCoy shook his head, wearily. "He tried to argue, but I did it."

"I propose we keep him sedated until we return to Earth."

Uhura turned to Spock, her mouth slightly open. "That seems so - cold, Spock."

McCoy noted she refrained from commenting _even for you._

"I appreciate it does, Lieutenant, but at the moment he's a danger to us all." Spock's voice was calm, but McCoy noted an undercurrent of emotion - possibly sadness. "We cannot allow him to behave like this."

"He needs therapy," McCoy opined. "I don't think he gave himself enough time before coming back."

"Indeed." Spock nodded. "I propose we return to Earth immediately, and put the Captain in the care of the Starfleet. He can be monitored and assessed."

"Sure you're not just getting rid of a problem, Spock?"

McCoy blinked. There was an edge of hostility to Uhura's voice that even Spock must have heard.

"Nyota..." Spock turned to her. "I am doing this because I do not want a worse problem."

"He's right." McCoy nodded. "I know it seems cold but this is for his own good."

Uhura nodded. "All right. But I think you should let me be the one who tells him."

"As you wish, Lieutenant."

* * *

"I know I said I would kill you, Captain, but frankly this is too good an opportunity to miss."

Kirk turned his head. Strapped down, still in his command uniform, he saw Khan in the corner of the room. The other man's emotionless features scanned his body.

"What would hurt the most, Captain? The loss of that pretty face?"

Jim swallowed. "If you think so."

"Captain. I know so."

"Really?"

"It would be hard for you, not invoking admiration and envy in others. Maybe I will start with that...or would it be the loss of a limb?" Khan was now hovering over him, his hands in the air, wandering up and down the length of Jim's supine body. "Not being able to run...or able to punch someone...over and over...until you lose the use of it."

He picked up a scalpel. "Perhaps we will start with the face. A precise incision can do a tremendous amount of damage. The smallest cut can be the cruellest, Captain. And I know that whilst you are a man of conscience, Mr Kirk, you are also one of vanity. You cannot bear to think you ever made a bad decision. But you did. And for the rest of your life, your face will be a constant reminder of it."

"You-"

"Yes, a small incision...then maybe another. How will your crew react to you? Will they look at you with pity? With fear? As though you're a monster that needs to be kept out of sight? If that's how they react, Mr Kirk, how will you lead them? You won't. Because you didn't before."

He brought the scalpel to Kirk's face - he could feel the edge of the blade touching his skin. "Don't you wish you could stop me?"

* * *

Carol Marcus entered the Sickbay, aware she was violating codes. She had not sought authorisation and had noticed that the two most senior officers on the bridge had disappeared into a meeting room.

She noticed Jim straight away. Strapped down, and asleep. Swallowing, she walked over. If he was awake, she had mused, maybe she could talk to him.

His appearance on the bridge had shocked her. The cocky, self-confident, flirtatious man had vanished without leaving a trace. She shook her head, remembering his look of horror has Khan had brutally murdered her father. She had never had the opportunity to actually tell him what she thought.

Now maybe she had.

Swallowing, she walked towards him.

* * *

"So, just one cut...can be the deepest...the worst..."

Jim tried to keep his face rigid as Khan began to push in the blade.

* * *

"Jim?" Carol bit her lip as she leaned over him. "Jim, are you-"

Suddenly, she blinked. His hand was twitch as though in a muscle spasm. Thinking quickly, she unbuckled his restraint.

* * *

"Well, that's decided. I'll tell him." Uhura's face was resigned.

"Lieutenant, he will return. He just cannot lead us now."

McCoy didn't speak, but his sombre expression concurred agreement with Spock's diagnosis. "Let's get back to Sickbay."

* * *

"Tell me, is the fact you're restrained a problem for you, Captain? Here, let me help you."

Gasping, his face bleeding from the incision, Jim tried to flex his now numb arm.

* * *

"Jim? Its Carol. Listen, I want to tell you-"

Her words were cut off as suddenly, brutally, his fingers found their way around her neck.

* * *

"OK, let's pull him out of sedation-"

McCoy's words were silenced as the three observed the scene in front of them. Carol Marcus, her neck pulled down by an awake Kirk, a look of insanity blazing in his face as he turned it to her. His fingers were gripping her neck, and squeezing.

Spock and Uhura moved quickly. As Spock grabbed and pulled back Kirk's arm, Uhura moved as though she were a Zoologist unwinding a python, as she pulled the fingers off Carols' neck. McCoy immediately moved forward and took her. "Right, let's get you away from him!"

Uhura was stunned. Kirk was wide awake, his eyes completely blank. She quickly buckled the restraint. "What now?!"

Spock couldn't seemingly speak. Then, as he looked at Kirk, and Carol, he found his voice.

"Doctor. Wake him up, get his dressed, and put him in one of the holding cells. He's going back to Earth."

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. **

"Can you hear me?"

Jim swallowed, and began to sit up. He'd been lying on the bunk in the holding cell, and turning his head, faced Spock and Uhura. The expressions on both their faces were frozen. He nodded.

"I need to hear your voice - Captain."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "So you are not now Captain, Spock?"

"Captain, you are under arrest for the assault on a fellow crew member." Spock's voice was devoid of emotion. "We are returning to Earth where you will be put into the custody of StarFleet to face trail. You will remain in here until we arrive."

"Thank you, Commander." The words were spiked with venom.

Uhura stepped forward. "Jim. Please. You're not giving us a choice."

"I gave you both a choice. I told you what I needed."

"No, you gave us an ultimatum that we could not fulfill." Spock's voice was cold. "And then you attacked Dr Marcus."

Jim blinked. "I did- what?"

"You had your fingers wrapped around her neck as though to choke her. We have no choice but to detain you." Spock turned, and began to walk away. Uhura paused, then took a step forward. She met Jim's eyes, and paused.

"You really don't remember?"

"No." He shook his head. "I don't remember - except him."

"Him?"

"He had me tied down - threatened to slice open my face-"

"Jim!" Uhura was visibly shocked. "Who?"

Jim didn't change his expression.

"Khan."

* * *

"How are you feeling, Dr Marcus?"

Carol looked up as Bones approached her. She had been in Sickbay since the incident, under monitoring. "Better, thank you." She looked at him. "How's the Captain?"

"Not officially Captain anymore," Bones informed her. "He's currently demoted - and in a cell."

"A cell?"

"He could have killed you, Dr Marcus. He's going back to Earth to face a trial."

Carol shook her head. "I can't believe - Dr McCoy, you have to let me speak to him."

"No one is to see him. Except Spock, Uhura, and myself." Bones gave her a half smile. "And I really wouldn't try and cross Spock."

"As you wish, Dr McCoy."

* * *

"How do you feel Captain? How do you feel right now?"

Jim blinked, Khan's face hovering above his.

"I think I can guess, Captain. You feel weak. Helpless. Pathetic."

"I-"

* * *

"Jim?"

He blinked. McCoy was in the cell, looking at him. "Time to wake up."

He sighed. "Reason?"

"You need to eat."

Kirk shook his head. "Not hungry."

McCoy looked at him, then at the food tray that had been set on the small table next to the bunk. "I don't believe you. You've eaten virtually nothing for two weeks - ever since we started this mission. Unless you want me to send you back with a diagnosis of Anorexia, I suggest you eat."

"I doubt that would get any sympathy."

"Jim. I'm not being funny. You either start eating or I will authorise you being tube fed."

"Then you're going to have to do that." Jim almost smirked at the CMO. "Get some meat on my bones...right?"

"Are you serious?" Bones looked at him, his expression shocked. "You are telling me - effectively - that you're on hunger strike."

"No." Jim shook his head. "I'm just not hungry. And if you are that worried, you need to do what you see fit."

Turning, McCoy left the cell.

* * *

"If he is refusing to co-operate, then use your authority, doctor."

"I really would rather not force feed anyone, Spock. Especially someone who is in a fragile mental state!"

"I don't think we have a choice. We have to return him."

* * *

"Dr McCoy tells me you are refusing to eat. As that is the case, I am authorising you to be tube fed."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Commander, your sarcastic tone is unnecessary. Please remember I have to keep you alive until you return to Earth."

"I know."

Sitting on the bunk, Jim looked at the Vulcan, separated by the glass.

"I will return with Dr McCoy."

"You can do that."

"Captain." Spock looked at him. "I really do not understand what has happened to you."

"I don't think you could."

"Perhaps you should try to explain to me."

Jim blinked. "Have you ever had dreams, Spock? Nightmares?"

"I'm not sure that I have."

"Have you ever dreamt that you're being...tortured? That you're helpless?" Kirk got off the bunk and faced the Vulcan, not breaking eye contact. "That you're completely at someone's mercy? That they are telling you how you've failed? As a leader? As a captain? That you're better off dead?"

Spock looked at him, unblinking. "I have never felt this way. I am trying to understand why you do."

"Because of what happened." Kirk looked at the floor. "Because of the face he nearly killed me, and all of you. When are you going to accept that the only way this ends, is if I finally kill him for what he did?"

"But you are not capable of that, Captain."

"I wish I believed you, Spock."

* * *

"So you actually want me to give him an IV?"

"Dr McCoy, I cannot have him starving himself. Please do."

McCoy swallowed. "

Spock turned away. "I cannot authorise that."

"You're going to have to."

Both men turned. Uhura was standing in the Sickbay, her expression rigid. "He dreams of him."

"Who, Khan?" McCoy shook his head. "Maybe he needs a stronger sedative as well!"

"He mentioned that he has dreamt he's been tortured - and helpless." Spock looked them both. "I think I understand what you are asking, but -"

"Spock." Uhura's voice was tense. "He has to see him. I don't think we have a choice."

Spock nodded, slowly. "I am beginning to see that."

"Spock." McCoy's voice was sombre. "Are you going to let - authorise - find Khan?"

The Vulcan nodded. "I don't think we have a choice." He nodded. "We return, and retrieve Khan."

"Are you serious?"

Spock nodded. "Yes."

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	10. Chapter 10

"Are you out of your vulcan mind?!"

Spock looked at McCoy, his face not betraying a flicker of emotion. Uhura was silent.

"I believe I am not, in fact, my presence of mind has never been more certain." Spock's measured response did little to calm the CMO, whose face was growing more flushed. "I do not believe that we can really assist the Captain unless he faces up to what he thinks is causing his distress."

"But what you're proposing is that we bring Khan back?!" McCoy's voice was raised. "How is that going to help Jim? He'll crack!"

"I would argue that his behaviour demonstrates he is cracking already," Spock stated.

"I just don't think this is a good idea." McCoy was shaking his head. "I'm going to run a physical on him this afternoon, and try and get him to talk."

"Bones?"

McCoy looked at Uhura. "Yes?"

"You run the medical. I'll try and talk to him." She bit her lip. "It could be a way of finding out what it is that's disturbing him."

* * *

"OK, this won't take long."

Jim sighed. "If you say so."

"I need to see what kind of condition you're in - your health has been deteriorating over the last couple of weeks."

Jim shrugged. "Again, if you say so Bones."

"Step on, please."

Jim stepped on the scale, eyes downcast. Bones looked at him. "You're about 15lbs under your optimum weight - "

"I was technically dead for two weeks," Jim retorted. "You can't eat in the afterlife."

"You're still underweight."

"I know. You've said."

Bones ignored this. "Blood pressure."

A few minutes later, he was looking at him. "Your blood pressure is high, Jim - too high. Even considering the stress that a Captain's under." The CMO shook his head. "This is only going to make it more certain to Spock that he's making the right decision."

"What decision?"

"To send you back-"

"Oh, I know!" Jim almost roared at McCoy. "And I'm sure that it would benefit all of you if you could just pretend that it didn't happen - never existed!"

"What?!"

"Khan - all of it!" Jim shook his head. "But no, its fine, send me back to Earth, back to the Academy, let's pretend it never happened!"

"Would you please remember your blood pressure?!" McCoy shook his head.

"Bones!"

He turned. Uhura was standing in the doorway. "Can I talk to Kirk for a minute?"

He nodded. "Be my guest," he said, his voice edged with exasperation. Uhura smiled at him, then turned and walked towards Jim as McCoy left.

"What is it Lieutenant?"

"I think you need to talk to someone," she said, calmly. "Have a seat."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Not going to tie me down, then?"

She shook her head. "No. I don't think you're a danger to me, Jim. In fact, I don't think you're a danger to anyone on this ship...except yourself."

He shrugged. "If you say so."

Uhura sat down on one of the white hard backed chairs in the Sickbay. After a few moments, Kirk sat down opposite her. She studied him carefully. He was pale, and the weight loss made him look younger, fragile, tired. She chose her next words.

"When you dream, what do you see?"

He blinked. "Lieutenant?"

"You heard what I said, Jim."

He swallowed. "I'm lying down. Strapped down. And then I see his face."

"Khan?"

"All the time."

"What-"

"He toys with me. Asks me how I feel. Do I feel strong, in control, like a captain? Or do I feel pathetic, weak, that I cannot control what's happening to my ship, or my crew, or myself."

"What happens-"

"He picks up blades, presses them to my skin, threatens to cut-"

"Jim-"

"He slices into it...disfiguring. Can I live with myself if I'm ugly on the outside?"

"Jim!"

He stopped. She was staring at him, her eyes wide with almost horror.

"Do you-" she swallowed - "do you believe what he says? What he says you are?"

"I-"

"Because you musn't-"

"Lieutenant." Jim looked at her. "Please don't tell me what to do."

She got up. "Thank you, Captain," she said stiffly, the last word almost coming out as a hiss. Turning, she hurried out of the Sickbay.

* * *

"Well?"

She looked at Spock, then to McCoy. "We do need to retrieve Khan."

"And then what?" McCoy's voice was devoid of patience. "Leave Kirk to his tender mercies on Earth?"

"No." Spock shook his head. "We need to return Khan to the place where he and the Captain began to first form an alliance."

Uhura's mouth fell open. McCoy looked stunned. "Do you mean...bring him aboard the Enterprise?!"

"Yes."

**Thank you for reading - please review if you wish!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. **

"Strap him."

Jim blinked as McCoy pushed him down, gently, before buckling the restraints. Spock nodded. "Excellent. Administer the sedative."

As the needle penetrated Kirk's skin, Uhura turned and walked out of the room. Spock followed her.

* * *

"Is this going to work?"

The three had been sitting, in conference, for most of the day. Sulu was Acting Captain, a responsibility that Spock knew he neither wanted nor thought he deserved. But, he also felt that he had no choice. He needed to justify his decision to the two people on the ship - aside from Kirk- that he trusted.

"It will work if we do the following." Spock looked at McCoy, whose features had settled into an expression of mistrust. "We return to earth, with the Captain under sedation. Whilst we are back, we retrieve Khan, and bring him aboard. In cryo sleep."

"And then?"

Spock swallowed. "We wake the Captain up."

"But then he'll want us to wake Khan up - Spock, surely you can see this is insanity?!"

"Doctor, I am aware," the Vulcan responded coolly. "But if Khan is in cryo sleep, he poses less of a risk."

"I see what you're doing," Uhura mused. "You think that if Jim sees Khan lying there - helpless, vulnerable - then he's going to feel superior-"

"And not want to bother," McCoy finished. "He was out of it after we brought Khan back."

"Perhaps this is fuelling it," Uhura mused. "That he wasn't involved in bringing Khan to justice."

"He almost - well, he did - die," McCoy commented, his voice heavy. "That may be a factor."

"Fine." Spock got up. "Doctor, I leave the Captain in your hands. Please ensure he's properly medicated and cared for. I expect us to have returned to Earth in five days."

"But you're not going to tell him?"

"No." Spock shook his head. "As far as he's concerned, he's returning to Earth for treatment. But we keep him on the ship - and we need to see his reactions."

McCoy nodded. Spock got up, and left.

* * *

"More food?"

Bones sighed as he fitted the IV to Jim's arm. "Yes. Problem with tube feeding is it has to be frequent - the equivalent of five to six meals a day. And as you are refusing to eat, you're leaving me with no choice."

"By the time you get me back to Earth, I'll be huge." He raised an eyebrow. "I'm spending all my time lying down, in case you hadn't noticed."

"Hardly. And to be honest, if you're worried about the ladies not wanting you, I doubt you'll be seeing many of them."

"Oh, really?"

"Jim. You tried to strangle Carol Marcus. You need serious help."

"I didn't realise." He was lying down, his face twitched. "She was there - but I was-"

"Well, it happened." Bones stood up, and looked at him. "I can't wait to get you back to Earth."

"Thanks, Bones."

"No, it means you'll be getting proper treatment- proper therapy. You went through a trauma-"

"Bones-"

"Jim. You died because of Khan. Therefore, you need assistance in processing it."

"I've told you what would help me process it."

"I heard. Sweet dreams."

* * *

"Two days. Just two days."

"We're making the right decision."

"Spock. You're making the decision. We're agreeing with this. And if it fails..."

"I know."

* * *

"So helpless, Captain. So weak. But don't worry. Soon this will be over."

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. **

"Would you say you feel traumatised, Mr Kirk?"

Jim shifted in the seat. His wrists were strapped to the arms of the chair, and the young StarFleet therapist did not flinch when he tried to move. She merely looked at him, steadily, her dark eyes betraying nothing. He looked at her. Only a matter of weeks ago this prim, serious looking woman would have been a prime target in a bar - now she was looking at him with the dispassionate glance of a laboratory technician examining a new specimen.

"I don't." He shook his head. His face was a mask, but inside his emotions were a turbulent sea of boiling rage. On the journey back to Earth, he'd been kept in isolation, with only visits from Bones - still lamenting his seeming inability to gain any weight - and Uhura. Spock, he'd felt with a stab of anger, had been nowhere to be seen. Until they had arrived at HeadQuarters.

Then, the arrival. The crew had been dispatched first. Then, clad in the white tunic and pants of a SickBay resident, his wrists cuffed in front of him, Kirk had been marched off the Enterprise, flanked by Bones and Spock, he had felt a crushing wave of humiliation. Two days passed in a daze of being surveyed by stern faced senior officers, kept in isolated quarters, and therapy.

"You don't?"

"No." He shook his head again. The minutes on the clock were moving agonisingly slowly. He looked at her, attempting a bold, ingratiating smile. "I really don't feel traumatised."

"What about what happened to Dr Marcus?"

"I - don't remember." He slumped in his seat. He didn't - he didn't even realise what he'd done, except for when he'd been told.

"Mr Kirk." She leaned forward, her light grey uniform crisply impeccable. "Its important you begin to open up to me-"

"What if I don't have anything to say?"

* * *

"How is your therapy going?"

Jim grimaced as Bones entered his new quarters. As he looked round the stripped down room, he surmised it was little more than a holding cell. Bones seated himself on the chair opposite the bunk. Jim sighed. "Its going."

"Really?"

"Bones...don't analyse me. Please."

"I doubt there's anything to analyse," the CMO retorted. "Still - good news. Another few days and you'll be back on the Enterprise."

"What?" Jim raised an eyebrow. "How-"

"Carol Marcus pleaded for you," Bones said, drily. "She claimed that you were clearly under the effects of a virus, hallucinating, and unable to really think through what you were doing."

Kirk had fallen silent. Bones continued.

"As a result, it has been decided that charges will not be brought - and to assist with your recovery, the best place is to have you back on board the Enterprise."

"What?"

"Yes. You're coming back on board...although Spock is going to be Acting Captain for a little while. Need to get you re-acclimatised. Healthy."

"I see."

"Jim. Come on. Stop stewing. It will be all right."

"OK."

"I mean it. Only three days to go until we're back on board."

* * *

Spock looked up as Bones entered his quarters. "Is he ready?"

"Yes." Bones nodded. "Under sedation and sleeping peacefully." He gestured towards the biobed, containing a sleeping Kirk. "I'll get him to SickBay."

"Good." Spock nodded. "Khan is currently in the loading bay."

Bones looked at the Vulcan. "Jim has been in isolation for five days. Do we let him go back to the Bridge?"

"Yes, as Acting First Officer." Spock swallowed. "We then let him meet Khan. Whilst he is in Cryosleep."

"And then?"

Spock seemingly refused to meet Bones' eyes. The CMO persisted. "What then?"

"Whatever the Captain decides."

**Please review - it is appreciated!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. **

"Is he awake?"

McCoy shook his head. "No. He's been out now for almost 13 hours."

Spock frowned. "Perhaps you should wake him up."

The CMO looked at the First Officer. "How is that going to help?"

"The sooner he faces Khan, then better." Spock's face and voice betrayed none of the emotion that had been stirring throughout the rest of the crew. Kirk's disappearance and the sudden return to Earth had sent unease running through the rest of the team. McCoy had felt increasingly that the decision Spock had made had been misguided. Now, faced with the prospect of waking the sleeping Kirk and sending him to the Bridge, he felt it was simply bad.

"All right, Spock." McCoy's tone was sharper than he intended. "I'll get him up, and on the bridge."

Spock nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

"OK, wake up."

McCoy gently withdrew the syringe from Jim's arm, after releasing a mild shot of adrenaline into the other man's system. Kirk muttered, and began to stir. McCoy watched, guarded.

Suddenly, Kirk's eyes opened. "Um...I.." He blinked, and began to struggle to sit up. "Where - Bones?"

"Jim. You're with us." The CMO nodded. "On the Enterprise."

"I'm back on the ship?"

"Yes." Bones nodded, and turned to leave the room. "You need to get dressed. They're expecting you back on the bridge."

* * *

Kirk leaned over the sink, and sighed. For a captain, he surmised, he looked anything but. His eyes looked tired, and he noticed, his face gaunt. Clearly Bones' re-feeding plan hadn't worked.

He pulled the gold shirt over his head, noticing it was looser than previously. As he turned to the side, he shook his head. He was definitely thinner than he had been before this nightmare started. An unceasing one of not being able to sleep, eat, or function. Of living in a parallel nightmare world which no longer made sense.

He straightened his shirt, and began to head for the door. As he did, the door slid open to reveal Carol Marcus.

"Jim." She smiled at him, warmly.

He swallowed, blinking. Of everyone whom he had expected to see, she was not one of them. "Dr Marcus - I - "

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, her voice dropping slightly. "Its about - well, how are you?"

He blinked. "I'm - OK. Heading for the Bridge."

"Oh. Right." The slight curtness in his voice made her take a step back. He shook his head. "Sorry. Let's walk together."

As they both made their way down the corridor, she spoke. "You look...well."

He glanced at her. A blatant lie, and they both knew it. "Thanks."

They walked in silence for the rest of the time. As they got to the bridge, Kirk heard Sulu's voice. "Captain on the Bridge!"

As he entered, he heard the ripple that passed through the other crew members. He felt it was paranoia, but also knew there was a possibility a sense of unease was creeping through the assembled members.

"Captain!" Spock approached. "I need you to come with me."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Can't it wait, Mr Spock?"

"No, it cannot." There was an undertone of urgency to the Vulcan's voice that made Kirk blink. "This is urgent."

Sighing, Jim nodded. "All right. Mr Sulu? please take the chair."

* * *

"I really don't see why this could't wait, Spock," Jim grumbled as they headed through the passage. "I'm only just back on the Bridge-"

"I know." Spock's tone was unexpectedly gentle. "Which is why we have to see this now."

"See what?"

As both men entered a supply room, Spock turned to Kirk. "Whilst we were on Earth...something was added to the ship's cargo."

"Right. What?"

"This."

As they both approached the shadow wreathed tube, Kirk's face creased. "Looks like a cryo tube."

"It is." Spock's voice was grave. "Look who's inside it."

Kirk leaned over, and blanched. "Get him off the ship. Now!"

**Please review - it is appreciated!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. **

"You cannot-" Kirk was speechless. "You cannot - I can't-"

"Captain, I can see this is distressing for you."

"No, I don't think you do." Kirk's face was set in grim lines. "Why is he on this ship?"

"To help you."

Kirk shook his head, then began to walk away from the First Officer. As he reached the door, and pressed the control panel, he turned. "This isn't going to work, Spock."

"What isn't, Jim?"

"I know I said that I felt I had to kill Khan...but I'm beginning to wonder...do you want him to kill me?!"

The First Officer could only watch in silence as Kirk left.

* * *

Kirk was sitting in his quarters, carefully ignoring the bleeping of his communicator. He hadn't even returned to the bridge, merely gone straight back to his quarters. He was trying to calm his breathing, and his thoughts.

Khan. Lying there. Motionless. He felt his heart begin to accelerate. The man lying there had threatened to kill him in front of his crew, held his First Officer to ransom - he knew that he would only be free of the feelings of guilt and shame if Khan was dead. But could he bring himself -

"Jim?"

He blinked, and looked up. Bones was standing in front of him. The CMO's face was a mask of sympathy that Kirk found hard to look at. "Yes?"

"I really think you need to come to the sick bay. There are things I can do to help you."

"Not sure you can." Jim shook his head, suddenly feeling weary, defeated. "You must have known that Khan was on this ship."

"I did."

"And that means that you - along with Spock - must think I'm a homicidal maniac, like him."

"What makes you say that?"

"The fact that I did say the only way I could stop having these nightmares, having these thoughts, is if I killed him." Kirk looked at Bones, his eyes dark with anguish. "Is that what you and Spock want me to do?"

"No - we want you to feel that you can command the Enterprise."

"So why is Khan on here?"

"Spock had a theory." Bones swallowed, carefully watching Kirk's reactions. "That if you saw Khan, just lying there, no longer a danger to you - you would feel-"

"Feel what?"

"Superior. Superior to him, and then you would-"

"Would what?"

"Hopefully not want to do anything else."

Kirk was silent.

"Jim?"

"Open him up."

"What?"

"Open him up. If you and Spock want me to show I'm superior - then open him up."

"Jim-"

"I need to confront him. Confront this. I don't feel superior, Bones. I feel - weak. Opening him up is the only way."

"But-" Bones swallowed - "what about you wanting to kill him?"

Kirk shrugged. "You're going to have to trust me."

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. **

"You cannot-" Kirk was speechless. "You cannot - I can't-"

"Captain, I can see this is distressing for you."

"No, I don't think you do." Kirk's face was set in grim lines. "Why is he on this ship?"

"To help you."

Kirk shook his head, then began to walk away from the First Officer. As he reached the door, and pressed the control panel, he turned. "This isn't going to work, Spock."

"What isn't, Jim?"

"I know I said that I felt I had to kill Khan...but I'm beginning to wonder...do you want him to kill me?!"

The First Officer could only watch in silence as Kirk left.

* * *

Kirk was sitting in his quarters, carefully ignoring the bleeping of his communicator. He hadn't even returned to the bridge, merely gone straight back to his quarters. He was trying to calm his breathing, and his thoughts.

Khan. Lying there. Motionless. He felt his heart begin to accelerate. The man lying there had threatened to kill him in front of his crew, held his First Officer to ransom - he knew that he would only be free of the feelings of guilt and shame if Khan was dead. But could he bring himself -

"Jim?"

He blinked, and looked up. Bones was standing in front of him. The CMO's face was a mask of sympathy that Kirk found hard to look at. "Yes?"

"I really think you need to come to the sick bay. There are things I can do to help you."

"Not sure you can." Jim shook his head, suddenly feeling weary, defeated. "You must have known that Khan was on this ship."

"I did."

"And that means that you - along with Spock - must think I'm a homicidal maniac, like him."

"What makes you say that?"

"The fact that I did say the only way I could stop having these nightmares, having these thoughts, is if I killed him." Kirk looked at Bones, his eyes dark with anguish. "Is that what you and Spock want me to do?"

"No - we want you to feel that you can command the Enterprise."

"So why is Khan on here?"

"Spock had a theory." Bones swallowed, carefully watching Kirk's reactions. "That if you saw Khan, just lying there, no longer a danger to you - you would feel-"

"Feel what?"

"Superior. Superior to him, and then you would-"

"Would what?"

"Hopefully not want to do anything else."

Kirk was silent.

"Jim?"

"Open him up."

"What?"

"Open him up. If you and Spock want me to show I'm superior - then open him up."

"Jim-"

"I need to confront him. Confront this. I don't feel superior, Bones. I feel - weak. Opening him up is the only way."

"But-" Bones swallowed - "what about you wanting to kill him?"

Kirk shrugged. "You're going to have to trust me."

**Thank you for reading, please review if you wish. **


End file.
